My Sob Story

Alright: let's just launch right into this.

After we moved from Eugene to Canby in 1st grade, I started gaining weight.
After my parents divorced in the 3rd grade, I really started gaining weight.
By 5th grade I had a bad haircut & unnecessary weight on my bod.

That's where it started.

I grew up in a small town - where the groups at school were broken down into very cliché clicks. The popular girls, the good girls, the different ethnicities (no. really.), the popular boys, the jocks...etc. etc.

I would have categorized myself has a good girl. I went to school and did well. I didn't have sex. I didn't do drugs. I didn't party (unless you count LOTR marathons with Kenzie). I pretty much obeyed my parents. Back in elementary school - I don't even think there was such a thing as "naughty" girls, although I'm sure I was just too naïve to realize it.

Anyway, a boy who shall go unnamed made fun of the way I walked - telling me I "waddled" when we were in 5th grade. Our parents got involved and let's just say he never forgave me for it. Fast forward to high school: he became one of the popular boys & I stayed a "good girl". Over the course of high school he tormented me with his a$$hole friends.

Anybody remember AIM? He would create different user names and send me IMs calling me a fat b*tch and ugly.

Sophomore year, I went out to my car one morning and there was dog crap thrown all over it. And some was even put under the handle, so when I opened the door, I got poo all over my hand.

Junior year, he and his friends called me from a blocked number over and over again to call me fat and tell me how ugly I was.

I can't tell you how much this hurt me. Even typing this, I'm shaking a little. He was a bully. His friends were bullies. In homeroom one of them called me a dog. Just to get a laugh out of his friend. Nowadays, as an "adult" (we'll use that term loosely), I read articles and see news stories about 6th, 7th, 8th graders committing suicide because of bullying. Thank GOD I had an amazing group of friends who were always there for me (and still are).

But, I get it. I understand wanting to not exist anymore so you can escape from the humiliation! It's a horrible way to live - and maybe one of the reasons I've never moved back home.

A few years ago, I was at a bar with my friend Erik (who some people think is really attractive, to me, he's just my bro) and I saw one of the "popular boys". I am not kidding, I nearly burst into tears. I MADE Erik hold my hand and stay with me, because I. Was. So. Afraid.

These kids scarred me for life. And if ANYBODY ever messes with my kid that way, you can bet your bottom dollar I will intervene. Nobody deserves that kind of cruelty. And what's even worse, is I wasn't their only victim. I wasn't even the most targeted victim. But I still was a victim.

To this day (I am 25 years old and graduated SEVEN years ago), I still have some of these boys blocked on Facebook. So they can't find me. So they can never hurt me again.

Until Rosalie was born, I hated all things girlie. Despised pink, heels, and all things feminine. I think ultimately, I thought I had to hide myself. I used all defense mechanisms - from long hair to hide behind, baggy sweatshirts with no shape, and no make up - to draw less attention to myself.

Since having my daughter and knowing Shawn, I have never had more confidence or felt more beautiful than I do today. I am so lucky and so blessed to have the family & friends that I do - because without them, I could have been one of those horror stories you read on Yahoo!

It terrifies me thinking that someday Rosalie will be made fun of. It's inevitable. But I hope to raise her with the right tools - grace, self worth, health-conscious with a side of badass - to be above it.

I read something the other day on Mama Laughlin's blog. It read: Hurt people hurt people. Took me a sec, but then I got it. I think everyone can be touched by that. Because everyone has been hurt by somebody. Take time out of your day to tell someone they're beautiful. Or handsome. OR WHATEVER. And maybe they'll take off those oversized clothes & decide that they're worth the time and effort for time and effort (you get me?).

Anyway - that's my sob story. Take a note from CSNY and teach your children well.

Just another part of my journey!