Vampire Elmo: Why we aren't fit for children.

Yesterday morning this was my breakfast:

Who doesn't like stabbing a knife into a sausage before 9am?

It's funny. Laugh.

 



My meeting day was fine. I got through it with flying colors.
I am constantly getting through life with flying colors - I should really get some kind of award.
I did have one moment yesterday where I had to bust out this guy, though:

Doesn't every office have a WTF? stamp?

I guess it's just us...

 

One of my company owners drove over from Bend yesterday to join in on our "fun" day.

To burn off some energy we did a couple of planks:

 



It wasn't our best work, but we have both been slacking.
We then had some great text conversations that went like this...

"Planking while I drive. My feet are on the back window, cruise control is set and I'm rocking the steering wheel. 4:30 and still counting."

"I just planked for 5 minutes, 1 handed, while holding my breath."

"Side of the highway. 7 minutes. I used both my hands, but only my pinkies. Some bum put his 40 oz. Old English on my back."

"9 min., nose & toes only, while being tickled by midgets underwater."

"Planking underwater is easy. Doesn't count."

"Dang it! You win."

"You get bonus points for involving the midgets."

"Kudos for the 40s."

^^^Sometimes, I really love my job.

Marisa was at the park with this chick when I called her & bamboozled her into coming to lunch with me:

How much leopard print is too much leopard print?

Mind you her socks, shoes, & jacket are all sporting the spots.

 

I guess Marisa told Rosalie to smile pretty & show her, her teeth. This is what she got:

 

That's my girl.



 

You guys, it has been A SHIT STORM up in here with my eating.

And I have been slacking on the gym too. Idk what is wrong with me.

I was craving Vietnamese food again so Ro & Misa met me there.



After I inhaled (easily) 20,000 calories worth of wonton soup, I opened up my fortune cookie to receive this:

The Vietnamese gods know what's up!

Please take note of the cookie crumbs all over my fingers. #fattieforlife

 

After we paid there were a bunch of quarter machines that I couldn't resist.

INCLUDING AN AWESOME MUSTACHE ONE.

 

Clearly a fan.

 

I know she's gonna be pissed for this pic.

OH WELL.

 

Rosalie cried when I had it on too.

What a Debbie downer.

 

You know, I didn't mention this on the blog yesterday because I am a terrible daughter, but it was my mom's birthday!

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

MOMMA!

 

Rosalie, Sarah, Marisa, & I ate spaghetti in her honor last night (it was actually her sauce that she made me and I froze because it is like a party in my mouth).

We also filmed a great video for her to enjoy for many years to come and sent it her way.

After the girls left, Ro & I snuggled on the couch and drew SpongeBob & "Vampire Elmo" for hours.

Don't know what vampire Elmo is? Let me show you!

 

I am such a good mom.

Whatever. When Marisa & Niki draw it for Ro they have his fangs dripping blood.

We're clearly fit to be around children.

 

Anyway. Rosalie is with her dad UNTIL MONDAY NIGHT.

Boooooooo.

At least College Football is back in full force so life has some meaning while she's gone.

 

Last but not least: this morning was the morning from hell.

And my "look" reflects that perfectly:

 

Thank god for deodorant, dry shampoo, yoga pants, & Brady Bands.

 

See you in the morning, Herbie. I'll dream of you tonight.

GO DUCKS!

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

I need to get this out of the way real quick:

Michelle - 1 Sarah - 0

Anyway, I'm gonna try & hammer this out super fast as we have meetings all day long today.
Yesterday was a bust. I had 3 plates of Mexican food, pasta salad, ice cream, popcorn, & a glass of wine.

The finale.

There is steak, 5 layer dip, onion, cheese, & lettuce in that big boy.

HEAVEN.

 

And no, I did not go to the gym.

Oh come on! Are you really that shocked?

 

After work, I picked up Ro from her dad and we headed home.

She had to carry her "purses" to our apartment:

 

Manual labor at it's finest.

 

 

After I made Ro do all the heavy lifting, we settled in for the night with some chick. nugs and Masterchef.

I also had one of the more intense conversations of my life & it was much, much needed (no oddly enough, not with Rosalie).

I slept better last night than I have in months.

 

Ro was obviously really interested in the show.

 

We're such beauties.

 

I just want you all to see how fabulous I am when I wake up:

If you want my look, buy the current issue of Cosmopolitan.

There's an article regarding eye boogies, morning breath, & sexy scary hair.

And it only takes 9 hours to achieve! All you need is a bed & a pillow.

 

 



I clean up ok though. Here are 2 selfies for the price of 1!

 

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

 

Wish me luck today. It's meeting-central up in here & everyone knows how mind numbingly dull those are.

Peace out cubscouts.



 





Hypertension is HyperLAME

Today is Mexican Fiesta Day at work.
I epically failed and did not make the recipe I so dutifully printed from Pinterest. And then in my search for "Choco Tacos", I again epically failed and ended up buying Safeway brand ice cream sandwiches.
You're welcome coworkers!
(I am already having visions of Rosalie needing to bring something to school & ending up with Dollar Store candy in a recyclable bag. Sorry babe.)

I've had 2 plates of food & shit 3 times.

Clearly I handle spiciness like a machine.

 

Anyway, I didn't get to the gym yesterday because I was bonding with my BFF (aka my therapist).

It was a good appointment. Although I did ask her if she could come live with me...

Moving on.

Marisa was with Rosalie yesterday because Niki was off gallivanting in the northern part of the state (what a slacker). She sent me this awesome pic:

Check out her shoesies.





Rosalie was with her dad last night and like I said, my padre came into town.
I felt really funky yesterday. He checked my BP - 160/110. Pretty high. He's attributing it to stress. What cures stress? WINE!

After 1 2 3 glasses of wine it went down to 134/90.

This morning is was 130/90.

Still not great.

 

I called my doc this morning and I'm waiting for a call back.

I've suffered from hypertension in the past - mainly due to being a smoker (surprise!) & being severely overweight and also through my whole pregnancy.

I teared up last night when my dad told me my BP because I've made such healthy lifestyle changes in the last 6 months.

When S & I broke up, I immediately went to my doctor and got put on  an anti-depressant. She prescribed Bupropn because it doesn't cause weight gain and can help with anxiety.

One of the side effects is hypertension, so my BP could be attributed to that...but I think it's gotten really bad due to the news I found out on Sunday.

Whatever it is, it is one more thing I will over come.

 

My dad and I had a great evening watching onDemand ESPNU.

I indulged in some s'mores ice cream - no need to panic, it was half the fat!

 

Bet you wanted photo confirmation.

 

My dad was apprehensive to hand these over due to my high levels of stress.

You know, because beating Nicholls St. is going to be a TOUGH ONE.

 

I already have my outfit planned & ready to go.

GET READY SARAH!!!

 

I woke up to this text message from my bestie this morning (oh, if you guys were hanging on to the edge of your seats about Sarah & my friendship, everything has been resolved & things are back to normal/lezzie status). She sent me:

Daily motivator.

 

I tried tirelessly to take a selfie for you guys this morning, but nothing was turning out the way I wanted it to.

So I settled for this pic of my foot:

 

After almost 2 months, I shaved those talons down, scrubbed off the gold glitter & painted them mint green to prep for FOOTBALL SEASON.

 











Welp. Not sure if I'm going to make it to the gym today. I feel pretty faint (god, I sound like a damsel in distress).

Guess I'll wait to hear back from my doctor and see what they have to say about my blood pressure and working out.

I suppose I'll go scarf down some more Mexican food. Holla.

 



Pet Peeves

Here is a list of my top pet peeves. They include, but are not limited to:

1. Commercial ads that sing their phone numbers
2. Mothers that don't pick the boogers out of their kids noses/Adults that walk around with boogers in their noses.
3. Dick Vitale.
4. Enablers/People who make excuses for everything. I mean seriously - nut up.
5. (This is before I became a mom & created the cutest baby possible) Mothers who make their slobbery children kiss you.
6. Dim lighting. Especially in restaurants. I like to see what the hell you've done to my food I'm paying $15.95 for.
7. Multiple noises at once, i.e. the TV on & music playing. Grinds. My. Gears.
8. When people don't pop their black heads & just let them fester.
9. Sky shots in movies.
10. When celebrities (ahem, Taylor Swift, ahem) know a camera is on them so they try and act really cool (ahem, VMAs, ahem).
11. Khaki pants.
12. Child proofed cupboards, doorknobs, & toilet paper rolls. I can't figure that shit out.
13. TRYING TO SOUND KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT.
14. Claiming something that is clearly not claimable. <-- Think hard about it.
15. Sharing dairy. There's a film.

Again. This is the tip of the iceberg.
Yes, I'm a little moody today.
But I weighed myself this morning: 151.5 eL BeeS. Solid.

Went to the gym now that they've reopened.

Busted out 3 miles and it about killed me.

 

Fed Rosalie mac 'n' cheese for dinner last night.

I maybe ate 3/4 of it. Plus my dinner. NBD.

 

Threw her in the bath to wash away the fake cheese.

She looked pretty epic.

 

Mini Tarzan.

 

Ro zonked out at 7pm because APPARENTLY she was too good for nap time yesterday.

She was still asleep when I left for work at 7:30 this morning. Jeally.

I hate that though, I won't see her until tomorrow night because Tuesday's she is with her father.

Lucky for me, my own father is headed into town tonight! I'm going to cook him dinner & I have no clue what to make.

Suggestions?

 

Anyway. When I woke up this morning I was 15 again:

 

That mac 'n' cheese came back to bite me in the ass.

Or it could be the copious amounts of stress I've been suffering through.

Or the fact that Aunt Flow is due any day.

YOU BE THE JUDGE OF MY STUPID FACE!

 

In all honesty, I am in a fine mood and feeling pretty good.

I'm going to be cleansing again soon & I've finally convinced my mom to join me!

If you're interested - check out Advocare to order.

And if you need any ideas, Rachel has some great posts about the cleanse (she's on Day 2 out of 10).



 

 

Alright folks, 4 more sleeps until Duck football starts!

That's my excited face.



Parent of the year

This is going to be a massive photo dump.

Thursday morning! Sorry it's blurry but it's still damn cute.

 

Thursday evening - my couch was delivered.

I love it.

And the delivery man was a dirty Eugene hippie - sometimes I forget how attractive those little Deadheads can be.

 

I packed up Ro & we headed north for the weekend.

Rosalie was super excited for our road trip. Obvi.

 

She livened up once she was reunited with Gramma.

 

Friday morning! Grandduck & I took Ro to OMSI.

 

 

Learning about footprints with Gramps.

 

Rosalie tried to steal those like 50 times.

She's so Oliver Twist it's not even funny.

 

Play that funky music white boy.

 

She went to town.

 

After a solid hour of playing with toys, we went to see The Mummies exhibit. It was awesome. But I couldn't take pics, so you're just going to have to cough up the moolah & go see it yourself.

After OMSI, we went to my dad dropped me off & I sprinted into Barnes & Noble for the Sports Illustrated with Marcus Mariota on the cover. They didn't have it.

Then he dropped me off at the Duck Store, they didn't have it.

Then he dropped me off at Target, they had it in the back corner of the store.

Mission accomplished.

We then arrived at COSTCO (our actual destination) & they freaking had the magazine.

 

When we got home, I tried to take cute pics of me & Rose, but I failed.

 

We had COSTCO (I don't know why I have to shout that at you) chicken, corn on the cob, veggies with tzatziki sauce & wine for dinner.

Delectable.

 

OK. WHO THE HELL PUTS THIS BACK IN THE FREEZER?

My father.

I was ticked, I just wanted some chocolate ice cream.

 

Saturday morning! Ro & I snuggled up :)

 

Got my butt out of bed to watch these ladies finish up their 10K.

No I did not run it because I am lazy.

 

Bethany & her boyfriend Scott were supposed to meet me there to watch the girls finish the race.

We all ended up waiting for them.

At least they brought me Starbucks.

 

I got one more group shot.

See the kid on the far right? He just decided to run 6.2 miles and whipped it out in about 50 minutes.

Yeah, me too...

 

Cutest couple award goes to...

 

Finally it was time to eat breakfast.

My child is just like me - thrilled about the prospect of food.

 

I know. I am just as impressed with how cute she is.

 

After breakfast, Rachel, Ro, Scott, Beth and I cuddled up on the couch (is that awkward for you Scott?).

Rosalie and I were pretty pooped from watching everybody finish their 10K.

 

Once Ro got up we went to visit Gramma at work.

Rosalie convinced me to buy her these shoesies. My only regret is that they don't come in my size.

 

We came home & Amy came by.

I baked some chocolate chip cookies and hardly ate any dough.

That's probably my biggest accomplishment this month.

Anyway, my dad smoked some salmon on the Treager - SO. GOOD.

 

Sunday morning! Ro rocked her princess jammies for breakfast.

 

I found out some news Sunday morning that literally made me vomit.

Thanks for being there, Beth.

I may go into it at some point on the blog, but today is not that day (<---Aragorn's speech, anyone? anyone?).

Let's just say I am ready to focus on myself and be better for it. Can't wait to find out who I am again!

 

In other news, my magnetic board SpongeBob drawings are super impressive.

 

Rosalie is really proud of me.

 

Moving on.

After I picked myself up off the floor (not really, I was on the couch), I hopped in the shower & got on the road.

I stopped at my friend Danielle's so she could make me beautiful again.

 

She clearly had a lot of work to do.

 

Remember when I told you I looked like Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka when I got my hair chopped last time? Well Danielle did not disappoint - she loves to scare the piss out of me. jk jk jk

 

The finished product!

 

It's ok that it's a "mom haircut", Rach - works for me!

It took me FOUR minutes to do my hair this morning.

I love it! Thanks Davidson :)

 

Anyway, my Facebook was pretty tragic yesterday so I had a lot of support coming my way.

Here are a couple of best things:

 

Genius.

 

Capricorn pride.

 

Welp. That about sums up my weekend.

 

Except for this tiny little thing happened last night:

'NSYNC REUNITED.

And JT performed for solid 15 minutes.

AND! I kid you not, Rosalie sat through the whole thing silent and mesmerized.

Parent. Of. The. Year.

 

Peace out.